Type Too Much Part 2-My 2nd Carpal Tunnel Surgery


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I’m back 🙂 it’s been a while. Life got away from me. Things got serious with the guy I started dating back in September of last year. We went on vacations (Vegas and Disneyworld) and we moved in together. Maybe those two topics that will be future blog posts.

Today I am here to type about my 2nd Carpal Tunnel Surgery. You can read about my 1st surgery here CTS.


I always knew that I would need to have surgery done on my left hand. The pain in my left is why I went to see an orthopedic doctor in the first place. So after two years of getting the right hand done I went and got the left hand. From the moment I got home I felt that something was off.

I planned to be out from work for 4 days. Using my last surgery as frame of reference I assumed I would be okay. Asshat move on my part. I fully take responsibility for that. I could have gone one short term disability. I would lost money but I would have gotten the rest I needed. Because this time the pain was OFF THE CHARTS. I tried taking the pain meds but I didn’t fancy being a zombie so I only took them to sleep.

Even before the stitches came out I could feel the scar tissue forming. Doctors have no explanation as to why scar tissue forms. Well that isn’t correct. My right hand has scar tissue. My left hand has excessive scar tissue. The way the surgery works is once the incision is cut the carpal ligament is left to heal on its on. So there is going to be some kind of scar tissue.The issue is whether or not it is excessive or not.

When the two weeks were over and I was itching for the stitches to come out my whole palm felt like harden skin. That was scar tissue. I could wiggle my fingers and curve them. But I couldn’t close my hand in a fist. Ok, I expected that but the harden skin was new for me. I tried to ignore it and go about my life. but then this started to happen.


That picture was taken 3 days after the stitches came out. There was pain, the scar tissue left me with limited mobility. The incision was still healing and my doctor told me to be patient. He said the surgery was straight forward but that my carpal tunnel was bad. The nerve was “pretty compressed”, those were his words. The healing process was a slow one.


During the healing I was in pain on a daily basis. Had moments of regret. From, getting the surgery to going back to work too soon. I was in so much pain that I thought something had gone wrong. Total hypochondriac moments and went back to my doctor. I thought that there was an infection. No infection, BUT I was working too much. My nerves were shot, abused and needed a few days of rest. I got a Dr.’s note and took some time off from work (3 days plus the weekend). Amazing what that week did.

I had my surgery on August 25th., back to work on the 29th.

I had my stitches removed on September 13th, took time off September 22nd to 23rd.

I was cleared for physical therapy on October 7th.


This pic was taken the day before I went to physical therapy. Looks 100x better than before. While several people think I should go to PT I personally don’t. I work with my hands. I feel that I can do more work without paying the hefty $50 copay.

The width of the scar tissue itself is 1000x better. I no longer wake up with pain.Sometimes throughout the day it hurts but usually when I have been using my hand a lot. Once December rolls around I will go back to my Dr. for a follow up. He knows that I am no going to PT and is ok with my choice.

The major lessons learned… no two surgeries will heal alike and always listen to your body.

Until next time,



There is always room for


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No matter what I say to myself I often find that there is always room for…

Room for a fresh set of tears

Room for your breath to catch in your throat and choke you

Room for your eyes to see what your heart does not…want to see

Room for the excuses

Room for the doubt

Room for the hurt

Room for the anger

Room for the desire to push away the excuses, the doubt, the hurt, and the anger

Room for the veil of happiness to cover your depression

Only to fail and make

Room for the shackles of depression to overtake your happiness

I remember several years ago a therapist asked me if I had a “depression trigger”.

I laughed and said, “Yeah…caring.” As I get older I learn that you don’t have to care about everything…or everyone

Until next time,




Birthday Traditions


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This Saturday my sister and I are taking my Dad to see a taping of the Bill Maher show at Madison Square Garden as a birthday gift. His birthday was on November 4th.

The outing has me thinking about my own birthday which is next week.  Mr. Man has repeatedly asked me what I want to do. Other than dinner I don’t know what I want to do. Sad because I am making a point to take off the two days AFTER my birthday…I should have something planned.

Instead I am at a loss.

I tend to be very low key with birthday celebrations. I don’t like a lot of fuss. In past years I have spent it alone, with family, or friends. There is ONE thing that I try to do each year…I try to do something special for myself.

The tradition started when I got my passport when I was 23, a year after my Mom died.  She had been pushing me to get one for a while.

One year I bought a silver Tiffany & Co rope bracelet.

Then it was a Brazilian Wax the year after that.

It was a tattoo four years ago.

I’ve bought a ridiculously expensive bottle of perfume before that.

This year I was thinking of going on a trip…but my passport has since expired………..


I think I know what I want to do for my birthday…

Yeah…I’m weird like that…applying for a passport on my birthday would be a totally acceptable gift to me from me 🙂

Do you have any birthday traditions? How do you like to celebrate your born day?

Until next time,


TMI: Mirena- Final Thoughts


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*This is my final update on the IUD Mirena. If you aren’t interested…well…uhm…don’t read 😉 But if you do read…it’s a looooong post*

The last time I posted an update it was 3 months into having Mirena. You can read about it here.

It has been a year and some change. While some of my issues with Mirena got better (cramps became less and less, blood flow decrease to heavy spotting) a lot of other issues, or side effects began to take shape.

When doing research on Mirena it is evident that you will have a 50% chance of loving it or 50% chance of hating it.  With periods that were heavy spotting (too light for a tampon but too heavy for a pantyliner) for 12-15 days , then having 14 days of horrible mood swings followed by the 12-15 days of spotting I was smack in the middle.

After I started going to the gym (July) and really focusing on what I was eating I become frustrated that I wasn’t losing weight. Granted I wasn’t a gym rat but I was walking more, taking the steps instead of the escalator. My diet was 900 calories when it should have been 1200. A month of doing that and to see the same number OR higher on the scale pissed me off and got me thinking.

When DID I start to put on the weight???

When I got Mirena…

I’ve read some women say they didn’t/don’t experience any weight gain. But I also read A LOT of women say that they did. Then I read those same women talk about their mood swings, acne (I didn’t get a lot of breakouts, just once a month-surprise surprise) but the acne took forever to go away. Just like the women were saying on various forums.

I didn’t really make the connection until I began seeing post about other side effects. The side effects that get glossed over.

Depression, short term memory loss, fatigue, dizziness, migraines (I already suffer with), low sex drive, short temper, emotional mess, excessive sweating, weight gain, and acne

Granted these are the side effects. Every form of medication has them. Side effects are also supposed to lessen the longer you use a medication. In this case the longer I had the IUD in the less I should have been affect by these side effects…that wasn’t the case. As I look back on my time with Mirena I can see the pattern of my side effects grow or deepen, however you want to see it.

The pros and cons of keeping Mirena came into question when I started dating. Low sex drive, weight gain, depression, mood swings, 12-15 day periods…who cares about that when you’re alone? It’s an annoyance but dating it became a hindrance.

My main reasons for getting the IUD was to lessen my flow and heavy cramps. I always had a normal cycle. 5 days with a nice 3 week interval. I could go back to that if it meant losing half of the Mirena side effects.

My main reasons for taking the IUD out were the weight gain, low sex drive, and 12-15 day periods. I wasn’t sure my depression was all to be blamed as a side effect or the result of weight gain and my inability to sustain a happy mood.

Regardless I took it out 13 days ago…I don’t care what anyone says…from the moment I left my doctors office I had a pep in my step that I hadn’t felt in MONTHS. It was like the dark cloud that was hovering over me was slowly retreating back.

Could it be wishful thinking…I would say that but in the last 13 days I lost 5lbs. That alone makes the removal worth it. Women who believed their weight gain was because of Mirena did report weight loss as quick as within a week once it was removed.

The day after removal I got my period with minimal cramps, moderate to heavy blood flow and it last 10 days. That made me happy. My sex drive is up, my migraines have stopped. The little things that used to set me off haven’t. I can remember what I did last night. My deodorant is working again, lol.

It sucks that my experience wasn’t as great as others (waves to sister) Even saying that because everyone is different I wouldn’t discount Mirena if you are looking for an IUD.

The makers of Mirena have a “little sister” IUD called Skyla. I’m thinking of getting it or not. But now that I am dating the prevention of pregnancy plays a factor in what I chose next. My doctor gave me a Rx for Ortho Micronor. Besides the side effects (similar to Mirena) the fact that I HAVE to take the pill the same time each day freaks me out a little.

*If you have experiences with Mirena or any IUD comment below*

Until next time,


Listen Up…Part 1


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In my last post I mentioned that I have been listening to audiobooks and podcast. Ironically the podcast that started the frenzy The Jillian Michaels Show is one that I no longer listen to. Nothing wrong with the podcast I simply had my fill. I can be a little OCD about things that are part of a series…if I’m reading a book that is part of a series I MUST start with #1 regardless of whether or not the author says I have to. When I listen to a podcast if I can find it I WILL start from the 1st episode. Jillian’s podcast was on for a few years and is about fitness and motivation…at some point she repeats herself…therefore I got bored.

Yet I still HIGHLY recommend listening to it if you want some brutal honesty about fitness and ways to change your life.

Below is part 1 of my list of podcasts that I think are worth a listen. I’m a fan of comedy, true crime and storytelling. Note, I am already a fan of Serial and Undisclosed ;-).

*These are in no particular order*

The Generation Why Podcast – Aaron and Justin talk about true crime cases, unsolved murders, controversies, mysteries and conspiracies. I enjoy this one because Aaron and Justin often give different view points on the cases they cover and the format is somewhat informal.

Sword and Scale- Mike Boudet delves into the world of true crime and the response of the criminal justice systems. This podcast is not for the faint of heart. Several episodes have made me cry, made me angry and have cemented my belief that some murderers deserve the death penalty.

The Highly Sensitive Person Podcast- I don’t even remember how I found this podcast. It must have been one of those days when I was looking for something that would help me better understand why I was depressed when I felt I shouldn’t be. Kelly, the host discusses how the world around HSPs affects us and it isn’t us “just being too emotional”. As a HSP I found this podcast a breath of fresh air because for once I didn’t feel like there was something wrong with me.

Lore- Aaron Mahnke has a bi-weekly podcast about true life scary stories. Each episode looks into a uniquely scary tale and uncovers the truth behind it. This one definitely leaves me going “Hmmmm”

The Mortified Podcast- This podcast is hilarious. People share funny, most times (if not all) embarrassing childhood journals, letters, poems, lyrics, plays, etc. This one is so cool because it takes me back to a time when we were all awkward thinking we knew what the world was about but really had no idea.

The Friend Zone- Assante, Fran, and Dustin discuss pop culture, news and how to get your “mental hygiene” in check. Living in the world that we do stress is a factor we can’t ignore but sometimes we do…saying “that’s life”. This podcast reminds me that you MUST take time out for yourself even while keeping up to date with what is going on around you.

Tea with Queen and J- Queen and J. are two funny women talking about pop culture, politics and whatever else pops into their heads during tea time. I found this podcast by being followed by Tea w/ Queen and J on Twitter. I barely use Twitter. I had no clue who they were. From episode 1 I have been hooked. HOOKED!!! Every episode makes me laugh out loud. At work, walking, on the train…I am laughing at something they say.

*Side note…The Friend Zone and Tea w/ Queen and J. speak on pop culture and news that mostly pertains to the African American community*

Here is what I was (still am) listening to a year ago.

Part 2 and a post on my recent audiobooks coming up in the future.

If you have a podcast that you like that isn’t listed, comment below. I love finding new podcasts 🙂

Until next time,


Welcome Back


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Hellloooooooo, anybody here?

I wouldn’t be surprised or upset if I lost the few readers I have.

I apologize for not blogging. I kind of let my mind take over. I don’t have any interesting updates…My absence was me standing in the shadows. I thought about blogging/writing. Between my own personal life, work, and the world itself I had material.


Somewhere between my last post and this one I fell into a dark hole. Like times before that fine grain of quicksand had me in a blink.  I was doing good one moment. Enjoying my Summer then like a fine mist I felt my moods getting darker, my emotions flashed between flood of tears or fiery rage. I stopped caring about things. Going to work was all done on auto-pilot. If I wasn’t sleeping I was eating. My plan to spend the summer working out amounted to less than 10 trips to the gym.

Gaining weight is always good for depression, right (insert eye roll)

I hung out with friends (waves to Mark, Rebekah, and Jessica), went on literally two dates. Great dates (still good friends with one guy) but I felt like I was simply doing what was expected. Summer is my favorite season. I looked forward to summer all winter. I had all these plans to get out and socialize and I made zero effort to do many of them. I blamed my inactivity on being busy at work.

I was busy alright…busy fighting my demons. Forcing my mind to focus on the fact that I had no reason to be depressed. I have a job, friends, family healthy. But depression has a way of taking those things and twisting them.

I have a job…yet it’s a place where I am pulled in many directions. My responsibility doesn’t match my paycheck. Feelings of being used and taken for granted washed over me.

I’m healthy…yet I’m fighting a disease (diabetes) that is a struggle. My weight gain was due to my insulin intake and my lack of physical activity.

Like many with depression I also suffer from social anxiety. You know that mental paranoia that when in social settings EVERYONE is mocking you, or you are fixated on making some faux pas. Some days the anxiety was worse than the depression. Imagine wanting to go to the gym, needing to but you don’t because you think you will be judged for it.

I judged this bout of depression as mild because I wasn’t waking up wishing I hadn’t. I knew with time it would pass.

I needed to flood my mind with something other than what my mind felt it was missing. I began listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast. I started to listen hoping it would drown my social anxiety and motivate me. I wanted to get out and be in the season I loved.

It worked. I got out more, dated, saw my friends, family. More importantly I mentally I began to see things differently. I began to see that happiness is something I can formulate.

So I did.

Saw my responsibilities at work as a learning experience that would match my salary one day or not. I focused on being thankful for that.

Started working out at home (a little, lol)

By the end of summer I met the guy I am currently dating. I went on the date not thinking past it. I hibernate during the colder months. But we are a month and a half along so maybe I have a hibernation partner.

Of course being around someone that does what family and friends do (care about you, feed you, make you laugh) plus the desire to have sex with you can and does increase the happiness level. Lift you up an inch out of the quicksand.

One day while looking at files on my USB drive (I wanted to share my writing with New Guy) I found a story that I had no memory of starting. Not surprising, I start and never finish a lot of stories but this one was different. A couple, on their wedding day, discussing why they shouldn’t get married, with an underlining plot of a soap opera (bride pregnant with another man’s child).

Watching soap operas as a kid is where my creative mind grew. I was reminded of my first love…writing; my life line when quicksand would get me. Even though I didn’t feel like putting pen to paper yet I listened to audio books. I finished two within a month. If I wasn’t listening to audio books I was listening to podcast. I don’t know that sound of other voices, other opinions, other people’s endings connected with me.

Today I woke up and said “I’m going to write a blog post.”

Well…how did I do?

Until next time,


I wrote a book


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I wrote a book. I co-wrote a book with my friend, Corey Marshall.

We published through Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing.

“Sugar, a gunman for a crime organization is counting down to the day when he walks away to live out the rest of his life, living his dream with….
Honey, the girlfriend of Sugar, fears the dream is nothing more than a bedtime story. To Honey every turn towards the dream is fought with disappointment and heartache.
When a betrayal threatens not just the dream but the lives of Sugar and Honey, together they prove that their love and devotion holds surprises for everyone involved…at every turn.”

I got a text from Corey saying he is sending me an email. I check my email and

BAM…the book we created IS there IS real IS live.

People can buy our book, or get a sample of our book.

I’m still a little in awe. Ok, I’m in a LOT of awe. I don’t feel like this is real.

I gave up the idea/dream of becoming a published author about a year ago. It wasn’t something that I did with a heavy heart. I came to realize that I wasn’t devoting as much time and focus to my writing that I should. I didn’t like calling myself a “writer” because I wasn’t writing.

So I stopped calling myself a writer. I stopped thinking I was a writer. But this book, The Turn, had been finished in 2011. All that was needed was a thorough proofreading (done countless times and still not enough 🙁 ), reformatted for presentation purposes and through the wonderment of self publishing I could be a published author.

To describe how far removed from writing I feel…this blog post as been a draft for three weeks.

The book has been out in the world for three weeks and I have only told a few close friends (i.e. my FB friends-the ones that actually read and respond to status updates), and my sister.

My Dad got a printed copy I specially made for him.

A few weeks before this all went down my Dad called me to say “Hi” and tell me he had been reading some of my work and that I should focus on my writing. That I shouldn’t abandon it.

Corey and I wrote the book as such a book 2 and 3 are warranted.

Time to shift gears…

If you know me (or have been reading the blog for a while) you know that May is a very hard month for me (Mother’s Day and the anniversary of my Mom’s death). I didn’t realize that Corey and I finished the book in May of 2011, and it was live on Amazon on May 31st.  My Mom was a HUGE supporter of my writing.  I think in a way she still is 😉

I WROTE A BOOK!!!!!! .

It is available to purchase HERE.

Until next time,




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If you are a lover of blogs and you don’t have a Bloglovin’ account you are missing out. I think of Bloglovin’ as my own person newsstand for blogs.

Not only is it a great place to showcase your own blog. It is a wonderful tool to network. Mind you I haven’t done much networking but I like that I can follow fellow bloggers and see what blogs and post they follow and like.

Bloglovin’ has recently added collections to there site. When you “save” post you can save it to a particular category of your own choosing. This is very useful if you ever want to go back and find a post. I have fun names for my collections. Stuff that I want to buy are in “Wishing on a star”, clothing is “Tops N Bottoms”.

Sometimes if I am having a busy week I will wait till a quiet moment on the weekends and go through my feed. I love that I can have literally hours of content while learning about the newest makeup and fashions trends or DIY projects or read up on personal essays.

Otherwise I usually start my day, sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee/tea at my side while I go through the varies blogs.

*Do you have a Bloglovin’ account? How do you keep track of the blogs you read?*

Until next time,


Dirty Desire


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*This is a story I began and never finished…”

I’m really not as appalled as you would think I should be. Truthfully I am very flattered. Echella is a breathtakingly beautiful woman. All long legs and slender arms. Curves placed in all the right areas. When she walks she looks as if she is gliding along. Her facial features implore your attention. Her eyes are a seductive concoction of deep brown with flecks of honey. Her lips a heart shaped pout. At times when we are talking I force myself to look away. Never do I want to be caught staring.

Me…I’m beautiful in that sickly sweet way. I have a beautiful smile and expressive dark brown eyes that are so dark to gaze into them is to fall head first in a black hole.
I’ve been called ‘Brownies’ and ‘BP- black pearls’ because of their rich, deep color.
If Echella had flecks of honey I had ribbons of fudge.
My body is a valley of curves. From breast to hips to thighs to ass to calves, nothing is a straight line. To caress my body is akin to playing airplane with your hand.
Echella has straight to mid back hair, almost the same color as her eyes. A chestnut brown with highlights of honey. Never before have I seen a woman growing out highlights and have it not matter. The dark roots somehow complimented her honey strands.
Me…my hair is black down to the scalp. I wear my hair shaved off because doing hair has never been my thing. If I let my hair do its own thing my hair, like Echella’s, it would match the color of my eyes.
Within my eye sockets I can appreciate the dark color. On my head the color blends too much with my skin- a clear caramel- and gives me license to fade in the background.
But let me clear up something…even if I wanted the background I wouldn’t be able to last there long.
From the innocence of childhood I have wanted all eyes on me. The 3rd child of 5 girls it is very easy to get pushed, placed…or wander into the background. But I learned that if you weren’t up front and center you lost your voice, your say, your choice, your control.

I love the spotlight almost as much as I love control.
And…I’m getting ahead of myself…
I wasn’t upset nor shocked. I’d thought about it, numerous times. Life has a way of showing that no one is above anything. If you are at the bottom of a well you will do whatever it takes to claw yourself back up to the top.
I saw my decision as a way to claw back up…I never intended to hurt anyone…but they kind of threw themselves into my path…they made the choice and in the end they got what they deserved.
And I’m getting ahead of myself.

Echella had been shopping in the store for a few weeks, maybe a month when she offered to take me out after my shift.
Whenever she came into the store we would chat it up like we were old friends.
“Do you notice how men stare at you?”
Echella had a lovely French accent that only enhanced the allure of her. Any word that came out of her mouth sounded seductive and sensual.
I regarded her with a look of pure skepticism. Standing on my own- yeah sure – men stared. I was a black woman with a shaved head. Occasionally that brought a few glances. BUT standing next to Echella…no one paid attention to me.
Working in NYC you encounter Fashionistas all over the place. I tried not to think much about my style or lack thereof. I tried to do the best I could with what I had.
Echella was a Fashionista. She wore the latest trends in clothing, handbags and jewelry. Her outfits looked as if they were plucked from the pages of a fashion magazine. Where I worked- a pricey lingerie shop- we had been featured in a few magazines. Even with an employee discount I wasn’t able to afford anything in there.
Paired with her, in my Old Navy trousers and Old Navy cardigan with my statement bracelet I knew I looked stylish…but I also knew I didn’t look like a Fashionista.
I’ll admit that I was a bit jealous when I first saw her. I figured she lived at home, didn’t have bills and was able to spend whatever she wanted on her closet. With Mommy and Daddy backing what she couldn’t.
Rarely do I make assumptions…but fuck she looked the part.
I answered her question with a scoff.
She said in her delicate French accent, “Ooh no. Men watch you. I have seen it. Their eyes light up with you approach them. When you smile they smile.”
I had no clue where she was going with this.
“So. I’ve seen men break their necks to get a look at you.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Men are visual creatures, Echella. You’re beautiful.”
“Yes, I am.” She said point blank.
“Ooookkkkaaayyy…no need to hide the conceit.” I said smiling a little. I couldn’t argue. She really was.
“Should I hide away? Or ignore what everyone else wants to focus on? Or should I use it?”
I looked her over, carefully and slowly. From her Stuart Weitzman shoes, to her Tory Burch sheath dress, to her Michael Kors handbag and sunglasses and then to her face. Her youthful, fresh out of college face.
“Do you live at home with your parents?” I asked, nibbling on a piece of lettuce from my Cobb salad.
“No. I have a roommate, but after this week I will be living alone.”
“Manhattan, Chelsea.”
I allowed those words to sink in.
Echella allowed those words to sink in.
2012 + Manhattan = Way overpriced rent. Living with a roommate was tough…going at it alone…at 27…
“Not to be rude but do your parents help with the rent?”
Echella tossed back her chestnut, honey highlighted mane and smiled. A set of straight, bright white teeth flashed before my eyes.
“No. My parents live in Brooklyn on a fixed income. I help them out with their rent.”
“Ok, Echella, what does that have to do with whether or not men find me attract-“
Like a ball to a bat the answer came soaring at me.
“You have a Sugar Daddy.” I said nonchalantly.
Echella, seductively licked her lips and leaned over the table.
She was going to tell me a secret.
“I do…the kind that I control.”
My turn to smile and for good measure I added a laugh.
“Control…you sound like you pick when you see him? Nice set up.”
Echella narrowed her eyes at me and leaned back into her chair.
“I do pick and choose when I see…them.”
How many did a girl need?
“I’m a Call Girl, Desiree.”

*Was it interesting? Should I write more, finish?”

Until next time,

Bear Hugs


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I’ve been M.I.A…I’m always M.I.A when it comes to blogging. Unlike other bloggers I don’t think of my blog as my main job. It isn’t a source of income for me. So many times I forget I have one.

I blog for a creative outlet. At the start of the year I swore to myself that I would make time to blog. I would make time to write. As I have gotten more immersed in work I find myself not writing much.

I still read. I still think of story ideas. I’m still working for final edits of my manuscript.

But that’s it…I know I don’t have to apologize for working hard. Yet a part of me feels guilty because I’m not working hard on one that I am passionate about.

The one thing I used to use to identify myself as…a writer.

It’s winter here on the East Coast. Perfect time to really hunker down and perfect a writing schedule.

Once I get home I don’t know if it is the toll of the day or my non interest but I don’t write.

I catch up on TV shows.

I read.

I listen to music.

I cook.

I check Facebook.

I check Instagram.

I’ve done everything BUT write.

I want to change that. I desperately need to change that.

I know there are a bunch of productivity tools that I can use to help me with my procrastination…I tell myself I’ll look into them tomorrow…

If I’m going to hibernate during the season (and I have) why am I not giving my “passion” a huge ole bear hug.

*Do you have issues with procrastination? If so how have you gotten over it*

Until next time,