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*This post has taken me 3 months to write. Emotionally I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready but I know writing about it will be therapeutic. I’m sitting at work, on a slow day, biting my lip, wiping at my eyes. I don’t think anything is too TMI or too descriptive…Just honest, xo*

Please send me Purchase Order for a baby arrangement…

It was day 8 of my unplanned absence from work. I was only supposed to be out 1 day. The day I was reading the email from my new apartment. But as fate would have it the weekend before I started to experience something many women fear; causing my absence.

Spotting.

I had just entered my 7th week of my pregnancy and the during the weekend I noticed the faint brown discharge. Not uncommon during pregnancies I allowed the positive thoughts of my 1st child at the age of 39 to fill my mind.

When I look back on things now I should have known something was wrong. A few days after I went to see my GYNO slowly my pregnancy symptoms disappeared, but one. My calves and ankles continued to get swollen. There was a small baby bump. Or at least I told myself that. I was roughly 145lb when I first became pregnant. By the end I was at 170 something. So I really can’t be sure I took the whole eating for two to a whole other level. I had to quit ALL of my meds with the exception of my insulin (Type 2 diabetic here) I didn’t find it hard to eat healthy …when I wanted to eat. That first month, when I thought PMS was fucking with me and I had the worst case of nausea. I didn’t want to eat anything. That’s when I took the test and found out about Little Bean.

From Saturday, July 8th to Monday, July 10th the spotting was only visible when I was wiping and it was still that dark brown color. All my internet research was telling me that was just the egg, the baby attaching itself to my uterine wall. I shouldn’t worry unless…

Around 10a I went to the bathroom and saw dark red blood on my panties. Now I was scared. A change in color, that color wasn’t normal and I knew it. There was enough of it to leak through to my pants. I didn’t wait I told my boss I needed to leave and I went straight home. My Dr’s office told me to come in the next day they would fit me in.

I remember be nervous but wanting to be hopeful. The doctor came in and the ultrasound started. I closed my eyes and I heard the words…

I’m sorry.
It’s not a viable pregnancy.
It happens.
At least we know you can get pregnant.

I forced myself to look at the ultrasound screen and I saw Little Bean’s shell. By the 7th week Little Bean was supposed to be forming hands and feet. An empty sac stared back at me. The size of a bean.

My doctor said, and this I heard clearly ‘You are going to miscarry, probably within the next few days or the week. It will feel like a bad period.’

He said because of how early the pregnancy was he didn’t advise going through a D&C. I was fine with that. I didn’t want to be in the hospital. I’ve had bad periods. How bad could it be I thought as I made my way home?

The best way I can describe it is it felt like Little Bean was being ripped from my body and Little Bean 😦 didn’t want to go. With each ping of a cramp pain it felt like that baby was trying to hang on. The pain was the worst in the morning. Many times I would be doubled over crying because of the physical pain begging God to just get it over with.

Once the doctor said “miscarriage” I already knew I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t imagine being at my desk or on the bus. That’s just the physical side. I was crying on and off. Most times when I was alone. I was thinking was this swift karma because I started this pregnancy not wanting to go through with it. But when I decided that I would…it’s hard to explain how you can love something you can’t touch or see. How you already know that you will give you life for this being. I was thinking of where BF and I were going to live. I had plans of getting a 2nd job while I was pregnant so I could maybe stay home with the baby. BUT if I couldn’t BF and I already had a plan in mind on who would watch Little Bean when I had to go back to work.

In a matter of days all of that was going to be gone.

So I waited, I waited for the worst of the pain to punch me out of what little sleep I could get each morning and I made my way to bathroom.

Every time half praying to turn around and see something, half praying to wake up and have this be one horrible nightmare.

No…by the end of the week, when I couldn’t take it and called my doctor asking him if he could ‘give me something for the pain’ on Friday, July 14th I turned and saw something.

Funny how life works…

My boyfriend and I had an appointment the Friday before (the 7th) our first appointment to make sure everything was ok. But the doctor had to cancel because a patient went into labor. So we rescheduled for 14th.

I was very secretive about my pregnancy. As most doctors recommend because anything can happen. Each day when I emailed my job that I wasn’t coming in I probably could have eliminated that by saying from the start “I’m miscarrying and my dr says it will happen naturally. I don’t want it to happen while I am out and about…so I will email when I am ready to come back.”

Then perhaps I wouldn’t have been asked to create a purchase order for a baby arrangement my first day back.