Monday was my birthday and throughout the day I kept being mindful of things that would have bothered me a year or two years ago that don’t today.
Working on my birthday.
50/50 contentment at my job.
I shrug them off and keep it moving.
Yet one thing that stung and lingered is the ending of two friendships. Two friends that I thought would be in my camp for LIFE. They have seen me through happiness-is-life-at-this-moment and some really fucked up, rough, I’m your shoulder/rock when you need it times. But time and experiences change people. They changed me.
I could have continued with the friendships. Stood by while one said hurtful things and the other said nothing at all.
A friendship in memory only.
I could have waited for time and experience to work their magic and brings back what I was missing. Eventually it would have happened, it did in the past.
These two friends weren’t part of a threesome. I was friends with each separately. So to lose both at the same time should have reeked havoc on my emotions…it didn’t, not in the way I thought it would.
I had time to plan. I played a loop of ending things in the back of my mind every time something good or bad happened. While the friendships weren’t near deaths door, hanging on by a thread they weren’t tightly bound either.
As each day went by I thought “This isn’t too bad. I want to call her but…”
I didn’t want to fight it, or whine about it. I didn’t want to have text go unanswered. Or hear the “beep” of leave a message.
Effort is a two way street.
I took a page from their playbook and I dropped it.
I deleted and blocked both on FB. Not because I am angry or hate them. I didn’t want reminders of what I let go of in the process of growing up.
I still love them and wish them all the best in life.
These two women were the first to tell me over and over…never beg anyone to stay when all signs show they want to go.
On my birthday one showed signs she wants to reconnect, complete with text and email. The reasons behind my choice to break contact don’t give me much room for self respect in my eyes. No reunions here.
Even if we are due for one…since the last time she spoke to me was November 18, 2012