Little Bean

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*This post has taken me 3 months to write. Emotionally I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready but I know writing about it will be therapeutic. I’m sitting at work, on a slow day, biting my lip, wiping at my eyes. I don’t think anything is too TMI or too descriptive…Just honest, xo*

Please send me Purchase Order for a baby arrangement…

It was day 8 of my unplanned absence from work. I was only supposed to be out 1 day. The day I was reading the email from my new apartment. But as fate would have it the weekend before I started to experience something many women fear; causing my absence.

Spotting.

I had just entered my 7th week of my pregnancy and the during the weekend I noticed the faint brown discharge. Not uncommon during pregnancies I allowed the positive thoughts of my 1st child at the age of 39 to fill my mind.

When I look back on things now I should have known something was wrong. A few days after I went to see my GYNO slowly my pregnancy symptoms disappeared, but one. My calves and ankles continued to get swollen. There was a small baby bump. Or at least I told myself that. I was roughly 145lb when I first became pregnant. By the end I was at 170 something. So I really can’t be sure I took the whole eating for two to a whole other level. I had to quit ALL of my meds with the exception of my insulin (Type 2 diabetic here) I didn’t find it hard to eat healthy …when I wanted to eat. That first month, when I thought PMS was fucking with me and I had the worst case of nausea. I didn’t want to eat anything. That’s when I took the test and found out about Little Bean.

From Saturday, July 8th to Monday, July 10th the spotting was only visible when I was wiping and it was still that dark brown color. All my internet research was telling me that was just the egg, the baby attaching itself to my uterine wall. I shouldn’t worry unless…

Around 10a I went to the bathroom and saw dark red blood on my panties. Now I was scared. A change in color, that color wasn’t normal and I knew it. There was enough of it to leak through to my pants. I didn’t wait I told my boss I needed to leave and I went straight home. My Dr’s office told me to come in the next day they would fit me in.

I remember be nervous but wanting to be hopeful. The doctor came in and the ultrasound started. I closed my eyes and I heard the words…

I’m sorry.
It’s not a viable pregnancy.
It happens.
At least we know you can get pregnant.

I forced myself to look at the ultrasound screen and I saw Little Bean’s shell. By the 7th week Little Bean was supposed to be forming hands and feet. An empty sac stared back at me. The size of a bean.

My doctor said, and this I heard clearly ‘You are going to miscarry, probably within the next few days or the week. It will feel like a bad period.’

He said because of how early the pregnancy was he didn’t advise going through a D&C. I was fine with that. I didn’t want to be in the hospital. I’ve had bad periods. How bad could it be I thought as I made my way home?

The best way I can describe it is it felt like Little Bean was being ripped from my body and Little Bean 😦 didn’t want to go. With each ping of a cramp pain it felt like that baby was trying to hang on. The pain was the worst in the morning. Many times I would be doubled over crying because of the physical pain begging God to just get it over with.

Once the doctor said “miscarriage” I already knew I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t imagine being at my desk or on the bus. That’s just the physical side. I was crying on and off. Most times when I was alone. I was thinking was this swift karma because I started this pregnancy not wanting to go through with it. But when I decided that I would…it’s hard to explain how you can love something you can’t touch or see. How you already know that you will give you life for this being. I was thinking of where BF and I were going to live. I had plans of getting a 2nd job while I was pregnant so I could maybe stay home with the baby. BUT if I couldn’t BF and I already had a plan in mind on who would watch Little Bean when I had to go back to work.

In a matter of days all of that was going to be gone.

So I waited, I waited for the worst of the pain to punch me out of what little sleep I could get each morning and I made my way to bathroom.

Every time half praying to turn around and see something, half praying to wake up and have this be one horrible nightmare.

No…by the end of the week, when I couldn’t take it and called my doctor asking him if he could ‘give me something for the pain’ on Friday, July 14th I turned and saw something.

Funny how life works…

My boyfriend and I had an appointment the Friday before (the 7th) our first appointment to make sure everything was ok. But the doctor had to cancel because a patient went into labor. So we rescheduled for 14th.

I was very secretive about my pregnancy. As most doctors recommend because anything can happen. Each day when I emailed my job that I wasn’t coming in I probably could have eliminated that by saying from the start “I’m miscarrying and my dr says it will happen naturally. I don’t want it to happen while I am out and about…so I will email when I am ready to come back.”

Then perhaps I wouldn’t have been asked to create a purchase order for a baby arrangement my first day back.

Style #87

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Style #87

Draped blouse
jluxlabel.com

WithChic brown crop pants
$24 – withchic.com

Chloé beige leather purse
$2,645 – mytheresa.com

Lens sunglasses
$32 – brazilianbikinishop.com

Lost in traditions…

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I’m not religious. Never grew up with any religious backing. No midnight mass on Christmas Eve. No ashes on Ash Wednesday. No Easter Sunday service. I didn’t get a bat mitzvah when I turned 12.

As a kid growing up I didn’t question the lack of religious backing when it came to celebrating major holidays. All I knew was that I had a day or few days off from school. We gathered, we laughed, we shared, we ate. But as I grew and I questioned my own faith I began to stand with the camp of all holidays are excuses for materialistic excess. Yet that didn’t mean I wanted to stop experiencing my gathering, and laughing, and sharing…and of course eating 😊

Sounds simple right? Until you find yourself dating someone who is religious BUT his religion has zero room and tolerance for the expression of your non-religious holiday traditions.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in the religious origins of Christmas therefore he has no place for the commercial factor. No Santa, no garlands, no wreath on the door…no tree. I like the spirit of Christmas. I like the spirit behind the holiday that I was raised with. The spirit of people (family and friends) coming together. I’ve never thought of the religious aspect. My parents never fostered the idea of a jolly White Man coming into our home and dropping off gifts. My sister and I knew who were responsible for the gifts. Yet at times we had what are called and rightly thought of as Christmas decorations…And this is where my dilemma lies.

After my Mom died I said to myself that if I have kids there are certain things I want to do with them because I did them with my family or even start doing them because I didn’t get to do them for long with my family. Like decorating a Christmas tree after Thanksgiving dinner, or hosting a big family holiday party at my house. Something I know my Mom would have love to have done but she was usually working on Christmas.

If I want to celebrate the spirit of the season with a Christmas tree my boyfriend is totally against it. I have always seen Christmas trees as decorations nothing more. But I have friends that may think otherwise. Never really asked. When bringing up the subject with my boyfriend it usually leads to a lecture on the “true meaning of Christmas”.  My point is lost that to me its a tree and decorations. And decorations are part of enjoying the spirit of certain holidays. Like pumpkins or costumes during Halloween, or pastel colored eggs during Easter.

What really got me thinking about my childhood holiday traditions was when my boyfriend’s mother mentioned since we are of different faiths if we have kids they won’t be raised observing those pagan holidays…because he doesn’t believe in that.

Thousands, maybe even millions of parents come together being of different faiths. Don’t forget I don’t have a faith. I’ve never made my dislike for organized religion a secret. My boyfriend knows how I feel. We have discussed it. I’ve been respectful of him and his religion. I’m respectful of the fact that he wants to raise any children we have under his faith and that I won’t be silent on the fact that I don’t have one. But what does that have to do with me having a tree in our home for maybe two weeks, one month a year? Or hanging a wreath? Why can’t my child/children be knowledgeable of their father’s faith and their mother’s decision to not observe a faith, respect her spirituality and appreciate the spirit of holidays being alive with some tinsel and garland?

Of course the idea of being denied this upsets me because my Mom is gone. Because she was the one to make the holidays special. My Dad and sister do what they can. But nothing can recreate that magic of Christmas morning being seen through the eyes of a child. Or just enjoying the holiday the way you know how and want to.

I know it sounds silly to be hooked on this. I can simply just adopt his holiday tradition and incorporate it into my own. Right?

Can’t the same be asked of him?

Perhaps I wouldn’t feel so strongly if my boyfriend didn’t grow up with his own Christmas memories, his own Christmas trees. So he knows the kind of joy I want to create for our children.

Until next time

Xo

Type Too Much Part 2-My 2nd Carpal Tunnel Surgery

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I’m back 🙂 it’s been a while. Life got away from me. Things got serious with the guy I started dating back in September of last year. We went on vacations (Vegas and Disneyworld) and we moved in together. Maybe those two topics that will be future blog posts.

Today I am here to type about my 2nd Carpal Tunnel Surgery. You can read about my 1st surgery here CTS.

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I always knew that I would need to have surgery done on my left hand. The pain in my left is why I went to see an orthopedic doctor in the first place. So after two years of getting the right hand done I went and got the left hand. From the moment I got home I felt that something was off.

I planned to be out from work for 4 days. Using my last surgery as frame of reference I assumed I would be okay. Asshat move on my part. I fully take responsibility for that. I could have gone one short term disability. I would lost money but I would have gotten the rest I needed. Because this time the pain was OFF THE CHARTS. I tried taking the pain meds but I didn’t fancy being a zombie so I only took them to sleep.

Even before the stitches came out I could feel the scar tissue forming. Doctors have no explanation as to why scar tissue forms. Well that isn’t correct. My right hand has scar tissue. My left hand has excessive scar tissue. The way the surgery works is once the incision is cut the carpal ligament is left to heal on its on. So there is going to be some kind of scar tissue.The issue is whether or not it is excessive or not.

When the two weeks were over and I was itching for the stitches to come out my whole palm felt like harden skin. That was scar tissue. I could wiggle my fingers and curve them. But I couldn’t close my hand in a fist. Ok, I expected that but the harden skin was new for me. I tried to ignore it and go about my life. but then this started to happen.

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That picture was taken 3 days after the stitches came out. There was pain, the scar tissue left me with limited mobility. The incision was still healing and my doctor told me to be patient. He said the surgery was straight forward but that my carpal tunnel was bad. The nerve was “pretty compressed”, those were his words. The healing process was a slow one.

 

During the healing I was in pain on a daily basis. Had moments of regret. From, getting the surgery to going back to work too soon. I was in so much pain that I thought something had gone wrong. Total hypochondriac moments and went back to my doctor. I thought that there was an infection. No infection, BUT I was working too much. My nerves were shot, abused and needed a few days of rest. I got a Dr.’s note and took some time off from work (3 days plus the weekend). Amazing what that week did.

I had my surgery on August 25th., back to work on the 29th.

I had my stitches removed on September 13th, took time off September 22nd to 23rd.

I was cleared for physical therapy on October 7th.

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This pic was taken the day before I went to physical therapy. Looks 100x better than before. While several people think I should go to PT I personally don’t. I work with my hands. I feel that I can do more work without paying the hefty $50 copay.

The width of the scar tissue itself is 1000x better. I no longer wake up with pain.Sometimes throughout the day it hurts but usually when I have been using my hand a lot. Once December rolls around I will go back to my Dr. for a follow up. He knows that I am no going to PT and is ok with my choice.

The major lessons learned… no two surgeries will heal alike and always listen to your body.

Until next time,

xo

 

Flowered Maxi

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Flowered Maxi

Joelle white dress
yesstyle.com

Whistles leather purse
$135 – johnlewis.com

Watch
$155 – christianpaul.com.au

Yves Saint Laurent round sunglasses
$270 – theoutnet.com

There is always room for

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No matter what I say to myself I often find that there is always room for…

Room for a fresh set of tears

Room for your breath to catch in your throat and choke you

Room for your eyes to see what your heart does not…want to see

Room for the excuses

Room for the doubt

Room for the hurt

Room for the anger

Room for the desire to push away the excuses, the doubt, the hurt, and the anger

Room for the veil of happiness to cover your depression

Only to fail and make

Room for the shackles of depression to overtake your happiness

I remember several years ago a therapist asked me if I had a “depression trigger”.

I laughed and said, “Yeah…caring.” As I get older I learn that you don’t have to care about everything…or everyone

Until next time,

xo

 

 

Birthday Traditions

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This Saturday my sister and I are taking my Dad to see a taping of the Bill Maher show at Madison Square Garden as a birthday gift. His birthday was on November 4th.

The outing has me thinking about my own birthday which is next week.  Mr. Man has repeatedly asked me what I want to do. Other than dinner I don’t know what I want to do. Sad because I am making a point to take off the two days AFTER my birthday…I should have something planned.

Instead I am at a loss.

I tend to be very low key with birthday celebrations. I don’t like a lot of fuss. In past years I have spent it alone, with family, or friends. There is ONE thing that I try to do each year…I try to do something special for myself.

The tradition started when I got my passport when I was 23, a year after my Mom died.  She had been pushing me to get one for a while.

One year I bought a silver Tiffany & Co rope bracelet.

Then it was a Brazilian Wax the year after that.

It was a tattoo four years ago.

I’ve bought a ridiculously expensive bottle of perfume before that.

This year I was thinking of going on a trip…but my passport has since expired………..

HAHA

I think I know what I want to do for my birthday…

Yeah…I’m weird like that…applying for a passport on my birthday would be a totally acceptable gift to me from me 🙂

Do you have any birthday traditions? How do you like to celebrate your born day?

Until next time,

xo

TMI: Mirena- Final Thoughts

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*This is my final update on the IUD Mirena. If you aren’t interested…well…uhm…don’t read 😉 But if you do read…it’s a looooong post*

The last time I posted an update it was 3 months into having Mirena. You can read about it here.

It has been a year and some change. While some of my issues with Mirena got better (cramps became less and less, blood flow decrease to heavy spotting) a lot of other issues, or side effects began to take shape.

When doing research on Mirena it is evident that you will have a 50% chance of loving it or 50% chance of hating it.  With periods that were heavy spotting (too light for a tampon but too heavy for a pantyliner) for 12-15 days , then having 14 days of horrible mood swings followed by the 12-15 days of spotting I was smack in the middle.

After I started going to the gym (July) and really focusing on what I was eating I become frustrated that I wasn’t losing weight. Granted I wasn’t a gym rat but I was walking more, taking the steps instead of the escalator. My diet was 900 calories when it should have been 1200. A month of doing that and to see the same number OR higher on the scale pissed me off and got me thinking.

When DID I start to put on the weight???

When I got Mirena…

I’ve read some women say they didn’t/don’t experience any weight gain. But I also read A LOT of women say that they did. Then I read those same women talk about their mood swings, acne (I didn’t get a lot of breakouts, just once a month-surprise surprise) but the acne took forever to go away. Just like the women were saying on various forums.

I didn’t really make the connection until I began seeing post about other side effects. The side effects that get glossed over.

Depression, short term memory loss, fatigue, dizziness, migraines (I already suffer with), low sex drive, short temper, emotional mess, excessive sweating, weight gain, and acne

Granted these are the side effects. Every form of medication has them. Side effects are also supposed to lessen the longer you use a medication. In this case the longer I had the IUD in the less I should have been affect by these side effects…that wasn’t the case. As I look back on my time with Mirena I can see the pattern of my side effects grow or deepen, however you want to see it.

The pros and cons of keeping Mirena came into question when I started dating. Low sex drive, weight gain, depression, mood swings, 12-15 day periods…who cares about that when you’re alone? It’s an annoyance but dating it became a hindrance.

My main reasons for getting the IUD was to lessen my flow and heavy cramps. I always had a normal cycle. 5 days with a nice 3 week interval. I could go back to that if it meant losing half of the Mirena side effects.

My main reasons for taking the IUD out were the weight gain, low sex drive, and 12-15 day periods. I wasn’t sure my depression was all to be blamed as a side effect or the result of weight gain and my inability to sustain a happy mood.

Regardless I took it out 13 days ago…I don’t care what anyone says…from the moment I left my doctors office I had a pep in my step that I hadn’t felt in MONTHS. It was like the dark cloud that was hovering over me was slowly retreating back.

Could it be wishful thinking…I would say that but in the last 13 days I lost 5lbs. That alone makes the removal worth it. Women who believed their weight gain was because of Mirena did report weight loss as quick as within a week once it was removed.

The day after removal I got my period with minimal cramps, moderate to heavy blood flow and it last 10 days. That made me happy. My sex drive is up, my migraines have stopped. The little things that used to set me off haven’t. I can remember what I did last night. My deodorant is working again, lol.

It sucks that my experience wasn’t as great as others (waves to sister) Even saying that because everyone is different I wouldn’t discount Mirena if you are looking for an IUD.

The makers of Mirena have a “little sister” IUD called Skyla. I’m thinking of getting it or not. But now that I am dating the prevention of pregnancy plays a factor in what I chose next. My doctor gave me a Rx for Ortho Micronor. Besides the side effects (similar to Mirena) the fact that I HAVE to take the pill the same time each day freaks me out a little.

*If you have experiences with Mirena or any IUD comment below*

Until next time,

xo